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| Closer to God | Sawmill Accident | Workplace Farts |

Closer to God

    A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical. The
doctor ran some tests and said to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in
top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection
with God?"

    And the man answered, "Oh me and God? We have a really tight
bond, he's so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the
bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it
back off."

    The Doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said,
"I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He
claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the
light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"

    And she said, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!

Sawmill Accident

    Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys
got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed
arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.

    "Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing."

    Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the
sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and
this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a
plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day,
he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.

    "Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing!"

Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at
the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the
blade and off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a
plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day
he goes to see his friend but can't find him. He sees the doctor walking
down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in

The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot
put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

Workplace Farting: Options Explored

    Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking or a big
lunch, the outcome is the same: Farts.

    Seventy percent of the time, we can dispense freely. The other
30% of the time, such as at work, we have some tough decisions to make. This
document is intended to help you in those decisions.

    Holders - The obvious choice is just plain holding it in. A
popular choice among the females and an almost impossible choice for males.
I am not in favor of holding, as I believe the medical community has not
done enough research about the long-term damage of holding. Really, where
does it go if you hold it in? So be forewarned, using this tactic is to be
done at your own risk.

Desk Jockey - When deciding to release right at your desk, one
has many factors to consider:
  •  Do you have your own office? Feel free to fart at will riskfree. After commencing, I highly recommend locking the door and feigning you are not in the office to avoid any unwanted visitors. I also highly recommend against spraying air freshener, as the smell of the freshener is a dead giveaway. Candles are a good alternative solution for the females.
  • Are you seated at a cubicle or open desk? If so, one has to consider the proximity of the other workers and the density of workers in the area. If it is just you and one other person in the area, there is nowhere to place the blame. If others are fairly distant to you, the smell will dissipate by the time it reaches the others on all but the mostegregious of days. There is always the chance of dispensing at higher decibels than anticipated due to the highly unstable nature of farts. In these most unfortunate situations, you will have to use cover up sounds such as scraping your heal on the floor. I recommend practicing making sounds covering a wide range of tones and pitches in anticipation of such an event.
  • Dropping objects such as staplers, binders and tape may not produce a similar sound, but if done in rapid succession could distract others from the initial event.

Meetings: Sometimes the urge strikes at the most inopportune
time. Meetings and gas really do not mix. Releasing at a meeting is by far
the trickiest of all the situations one could find oneself in. Although I am
against holding in general, a meeting may be the time for it. It really
depends if you have established baseline farts before the meeting. This will
give you a sense of the decibel and scent level of what is to be expected.
Warning: Do not ever use a meeting as the place to establish a baseline. Of
course none of the above applies if you are meeting with vendors. You have
free reign to do whatever you like.

Aisle Walker: - Releasing while walking around the office is a
popular option. By the time the scent disseminates, you should be nowhere
near the scene of the incident. The added benefit is that if the release is
done at higher decibels than anticipated, you can break out into an all out
sprint thereby fleeing the scene before others even look up to notice.

Broom Closet: - One option is to find a broom closet and release
inside the closet. The only drawback is explaining why you were in the broom
closet if you are caught entering or leaving the closet. I found stashing
stationery supplies in the closet provides a nice excuse. People will love
you for informing them about the backup stationery supply cabinet. Of
course, you then have to find another closet, as your original place will
become too risky.

And remember, if you're workplace has many open flames, you are on your own.